Words Of “Wisdom” For My Daughter

My daughter’s vocation in this life is quickly becoming clear.

The other day she came bouncing into the room wearing an over-the-shoulder baby carrier, with her precious Valerie nestled against her chest. My daughter loves that doll more than anything in the world, and she takes care of her as if she was her own child. Well, in truth, Valerie is her child, and like any good mother, my daughter’s love and loyalty to her are fierce.

My girl talks constantly about wanting to be a mommy when she grows up. She even had me write it on a recent “Owl About Me” poster for her preschool (she wrote the same thing last year). And she mother hens her younger brother—and quite frankly any baby she meets—any chance she gets.

This got me thinking recently because I, too, only ever wanted to be a mom. When it finally happened, though, it wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. Maybe I was living in la la land, but as far as I can remember everyone always made pregnancy and babies and parenting seem like a dream, wonderful, painless, “normal” experiences. But they weren’t in my case. They were and are the most difficult things I’ve ever done.

So, when I hear my daughter’s constant chatter about wanting to be a mommy, I get a little nervous because she has no idea what that means or what it entails. And when that time comes, I want her to know exactly what she will be up against. I want her to understand and appreciate everything I wish someone had told me, not because I would have done anything differently, but because at least I would have seen it coming.

Based on my experiences, here’s my list of 20 “momma wisdoms” to my precious little lady (in no particular order):

1. None of your expectations about pregnancy, labor, birth, babies, toddlers, preschoolers, or parenting overall will turn out to be true. You may think you know what you are getting yourself into, but you will be wrong. Accept that before you even begin.

2. Pregnancy and labor are the “easier” part. It won’t feel that way at the time, but once they’re over, you quickly forget. The hard part is raising your children to be good, moral, honest, responsible, kind, loving, hardworking adults. All you can do is be consistent, fair, and firm, and love them to the ends of the earth. The rest is anyone’s guess.

3. Some pregnancies downright suck, and some babies are extremely challenging. Not in the “normal” ways like sleepless nights or back-to-back feedings or the loss of your social life. I’m referring to sickness, colic, GERD, reflux, feeding or sleeping issues, breastfeeding issues (mom and baby), you get the idea. You just never know what hand you’re going to be dealt, so be prepared for anything.

4. If you decide to be a stay-at-home mom, understand that it is way more difficult than you could possibly imagine—harder than any job you will ever have—and it’s not for everyone. It will require you to give up essentially everything about yourself and who you are in this world. I’m not necessarily saying that’s a negative thing but weigh all your options before taking this step. I will never, ever regret being your mommy. I do, however, wish I had been able to have the best of both worlds.

5. Stay true to yourself and who you are. You must hold on tight to the things that make you you, because losing pieces of yourself will affect how you mother. A happy, fulfilled momma is the best gift you can give your kids.

6. It’s OK to be selfish sometimes, so take time for yourself—exclusive of your children—every.single.day. And don’t feel guilty about it. It’s easy to sacrifice every second for your kids, but your autonomy is essential to your mental health. And it doesn’t mean you love your children any less.

7. It’s OK to feel angry, depressed, sad, lonely, envious, and any other negative emotion you can think of. Sometimes those feelings will push you into the deepest, darkest depths of despair, and you will feel like there’s no coming back. That’s 100% OK. The key is realizing that those trying times are fleeting and that “this, too, shall pass.” Never let them overcome you. Tomorrow is a new day and the sun will shine again.

8. Choose a spouse who’s 110% willing to be your parenting partner every step of the way, in every capacity. It takes two to tango, my dear, and raising your children isn’t only your responsibility just because you happen to be the momma.

9. Find a few select mom friends who “get” you and nurture the hell out of those relationships because they will save you every day.

10. If possible, live near your family so you can get the help you most assuredly will need. I never realized how important it was to have a village until I didn’t. I’m not talking about an occasional babysitter. I mean family and friends who love you and your kids as their own and want to share in your life as a whole—every day.

11. Raise your children to the best of your ability and don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong. Everyone has an opinion, whether it’s about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, eating, schooling, discipline, TV/phone regulation, too many/too few extracurricular activities, vaccines, you name it. But in the end, only you know what’s best for your family. There’s no manual for parenting and, despite what some people say, no one has any idea what they’re doing.

12. Try not to judge other parents because as much as kids are different, they are also very much the same, and at some point, you will likely be there too.

13. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or advice. Let me say that again: Do not be afraid to ask for help. Or to admit when you don’t know or understand something. There will almost always be another parent who’s going through or who has already gone through your same experiences, and that mom or dad may have critical advice to offer that could mean the difference for you and your family. Ask for that advice and take it with pride.

14. Spend your time loving and encouraging and praising yourself as a parent, rather than criticizing, analyzing, and second-guessing. There are always going to be times where you mishandle or regret something, but the best things you can do in those moments are to accept, forgive, and move on.

15. Make time for your spouse. Find and train a good babysitter for date nights—at least once a month. And, when possible, take vacations without your kids. This is absolutely essential and not at all selfish. As much as I love you and your brother, your daddy comes first because without him I wouldn’t have you guys. Mommy and daddy are the foundation of our family and if we are weak, our family is too.

16. Find something you love that gives you purpose and run with it. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it makes you happy. For mommy, that’s writing. I put it off for so long because I didn’t realize how essential it was to my well-being (and to yours for that matter). I should never have waited, and neither should you.

17. Never stop searching for the silver lining. It won’t always be obvious, but it’s always there. And it could make all the difference in how you view yourself, your spouse, your children, and your family’s place in this world.

18. There’s nothing wrong with raising your voice and reprimanding your children sometimes (because they will drive you insane and you will lose your sh** occasionally). Just be honest and fair about it and explain your reasoning. They may not grasp your point at the time, but they will remember the way you handled yourself and that you cared enough to help them understand.

19. Ignore social media. I’m sure it’s only going to get worse by the time you read this, and when it does, pay no attention. Everyone pretends to be happy online. Everyone loves to voice their opinion behind the scenes. Everyone loves to act like they’ve got everything all figured out. It’s nothing but fluff, so just laugh and look away.

20. Life with children can be tedious, monotonous, boring, annoying, disgusting, horrifying, scary, challenging, depressing, and downright awful. So when all else fails, stock up on wine. LOL.

As I reread my guidance, I realize it may sound overly harsh or critical or negative. But it’s also honest and real. I want my beautiful girl to understand that being a mom is an extremely important job, and a difficult one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Having said that, though, I also want her to know that even with all the stresses that parenting brings, it’s going to be the greatest, humblest, most fulfilling, most honorable accomplishment of her life. And that if she does choose to follow this path, she won’t regret it for a second!