Who Are You?

You are who you are, but who are you?

I’m getting a lot of positive feedback on my recent blog posts, from moms who understand the ruggedness of parenting and kids and the overall chaos that comes with raising a family. I think it’s safe to say many of us are in the same boat in that we often feel overwhelmed, tense, anxious, depressed, and any other negative emotion you can think of. And that we constantly second-guess and question ourselves as mothers. But for all of us who feel that way, I know there’s just as many who don’t, and that’s what intrigues me today.

Who are these women? These women who adore being moms. Who handle their business every single day and don’t bat an eye. Who believe their children are angels who can do no wrong and never have anything negative to say about them or about having to care for them. Who are probably reading my blog as I write this and thinking, “what the heck is this awful woman talking about?” I know they’re out there and I would love to hear from them. I am so intrigued by them and envious of them and immensely interested in how they view parenthood. Not in a judgmental way, but because I want to be like them.

I’ve mentioned before that I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to raising kids, even after five years of doing so. Every day I face a new battle without the tactical maneuvers necessary to fight them. But fight them I do because that’s what it means to be a parent. I wonder what it would feel like to wake each morning fully capable and armed with the confidence that I have what it takes to get the job done. Oh how wonderful that must feel!

For as far back as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Now that I’m in it, though, I realize I had no idea what that meant or what it would entail—or how much it would cost me. Quite honestly, I’m not a fan. And if you were to ask me if I would do it all over again had I known what I know now, my answer would probably be no. I just don’t think I’m cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I know that sounds horrible, but it’s the truth. It’s my truth. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my children and would give up my life for them. I do not regret them. Let me say that again—to be clear—I have no regrets about having my babies. Sometimes I just wish I could have the best of both worlds. Time for myself and time for my kids. Time for my marriage and time for my kids. Time to miss them, time to experience the pure, unadulterated joy that I see happening with my husband each day when he comes home from a hard day at work.

Which is why I would love to know how these other moms—both stay at home and working mothers—do it. Am I looking at this the wrong way? Are we all the same and I’m just making assumptions? If I’m right, then what am I doing wrong? Why don’t I love everything about having kids? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I don’t have a “village?” Is it because I’m selfish or cold? Am I the only one who feels angry all the time? Are other moms more patient and understanding and loving than me? These are many of the questions I ask myself day after day after day. And no answers ever come.

So, to you moms who love living in this parenting bubble every day, who are you? I am in awe of you. I revere you. I tip my hat to you.

And I wish I could be like you.