Parenting Should Be A Judgment-Free Zone

I wish we lived in a world free of judgment and fear of judgment.

Why is there so much judgment among parents these days? Aren’t we all supposed to be in this together? Don’t we as parents have enough crap to deal with? We know raising kids isn’t easy; it’s the hardest thing in the world. And yet, we all act as if we’re experts and we judge anyone who doesn’t handle their business in the same way we do. Quite honestly, I’m tired of living that way and I’m tired of being afraid that something I say or do—or write—will offend someone.

I’ve been in a weird place mentally for several weeks now and my anxiety levels have been off the charts. The holidays were a wash, we were sick for what felt like forever, my “baby” is starting preschool tomorrow, and my daughter has made a few comments recently that have me questioning myself as a mom. Because of this, I woke up bright and early yesterday morning feeling the urge to write about the jumble of emotions that have taken over my mind. So, I sat down and banged out a post about some of my current struggles: not having a “village;” being physically, mentally, and emotionally tapped out; never getting a break from the 24/7, 365-day monotony that is parenthood; my inability to cope with the constant stresses that come with having kids; and not being on my game as a mom.

My post was a little dark, a little bleak, a little negative (toward me), and a lot honest. After I finished writing it, though, I felt uncomfortable posting it, for reasons even I wasn’t sure about. Sometimes this happens to me. I have so many negative thoughts and emotions in my head, and I become so close to what I’m writing that I can’t always see the effect of my words or how others may react to them. So, I asked my husband to read it and even his body language gave him away. I knew he was going to tell me not to publish it, and I was right. Why? He gently (for fear of my wrath, I guess, LOL) suggested that it painted me in a negative light and that it may upset or offend readers.

Now, my husband is entitled to his opinion, and I have the utmost respect for him because he is always honest and upfront with me. Plus, I asked for his thoughts and I completely understood where he was coming from because even I wasn’t sure I should post it–for fear of being judged. And what kind of writer would I be if I couldn’t take constructive criticism? But then we started to discuss why I shouldn’t publish it and as we talked, I could feel myself getting upset, even angry. Because the last thing I want to do is censor myself on my own blog. And now I’m concerned that what started out as an outlet for real, honest, frank discussion is slowly morphing into something else.

I’ve mentioned several times that many of my writings recently have been depressing or negative or angry, and I’ve been feeling so bad about that, that I’ve begun thinking more about readers’ reactions to my posts than what’s actually going on inside my head. As a result, I’m finding myself tailoring my writing to what I think people want to read rather than what I want (and need) to write about. And I cannot let that happen.

I’ve been operating under a constant state of anxiety, stress, and fear. Fear of failure, fear of looking bad, fear of judgment. For me, parenting—and being a stay-at-home mom—is one of the hardest, most annoying, most tedious things I’ve ever done in my life, and I need to talk about that. I need to talk about all the good, positive stuff too, but no one’s gonna judge me for gushing about the wonderful, exciting, and happy aspects of being a parent. And we all know there’s a never-ending supply of those.

Please don’t misunderstand, this post is solely about me and my own paranoia. It has nothing to do with any readers or anything anyone has said. I’m so thankful for everyone who reads my blog and who has supported me since I started writing again. But that’s just it: It’s my personal blog and if I can’t be myself and talk about all the bad sh** I’m feeling and thinking, then what’s the point? Some of my best conversations on the parenting front have been with my few best friends who also happen to be moms. These are the women who “get” me, appreciate me, and love me no matter what—flaws and all. I couldn’t do this without them. And those conversations are my inspiration for writing.

I started this blog because I wanted a nonjudgmental space where I could share my experiences—both as a mom and as a woman—and hopefully help or even inspire other women. Since tackling motherhood, it has always helped me to know that other moms feel the way I do and are going through the same ups and downs. Knowing I’m not alone on this journey lifts my spirits and motivates me to stay strong. That’s why I try to focus on things that we can all relate to—the good and especially the bad. Because if we moms (and dads) can feel safe enough to be real and honest about how much parenting can suck, that’s when true bonding begins, and the most beautiful friendships are born.

I guess what it boils down to is this: I’m a damn good mom. I provide a solid, stable, secure, and happy home for my children. They do not want for anything. I love my kids with every fiber of my being and I would lay down my life for them in a heartbeat. But I’m also a tired, lonely, depressed, angry, misunderstood, sometimes selfish mom who needs and deserves a break. And right now, that’s where my head’s at. So, I’m going to stop being afraid of judgment and just be who I am. I’m going to write what I think and what I feel because with me, what you see is what you get. That ain’t ever gonna change. And I hope all of you can appreciate that.