Go Away, Mommy Guilt

I’ve been thinking a lot about mommy guilt lately.

Yesterday morning before school, I was online trying to create an event for my local mom’s club. (I happen to be the club president, so it’s kinda in my job description to set up these events occasionally.) My daughter had been giving me a hard time over everything from the moment she woke up. She didn’t like any of my options for breakfast. She didn’t want the chicken soup I’d given her for lunch. She wanted me to remove the vegetables from that chicken soup. She wanted me to bake bran muffins in the 15 minutes we had left before it was time to leave for school. She didn’t want me to fix her hair because she was coloring, and she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to stay within the lines.

So, after catering to all her complaints and demands, yes, I sat down in front of my computer and attempted to take care of a few personal tasks.

And just as I was about to post my event, I heard “Mom, you’re not listening to me. You’re on your computer, which means you’re ignoring me.”

*Instant annoyance alert!*

I slowly turned to look at her and as nicely as possible (OK, maybe not so nicely by this point) said, “Excuse me, but mommy takes care of you and your brother all day long every day, so there are going to be times when I need to do things that don’t revolve around you or being your mommy.” I don’t even know if she had a response to that because I was too busy trying to calm my irritation. And the ironic thing is, while she was complaining that I was ignoring her, I was in fact setting up a fun event for her to decorate a chocolate gingerbread house!! How cool of a mom am I?!

I admit that I’ve been a little distracted over the past two weeks. After five straight years of being a stay-at-home mom and a homemaker—focused solely on my family—I finally bit the bullet and did something for myself: I began to write again, and I started a personal blog. As with any new venture, it’s been an adjustment and a learning process. I’m nowhere near tech-savvy, creating a Web site hasn’t been all that intuitive, and it takes time to write a creative, thoughtful post. So, I’ve been spending a lot of my “free” time writing and trying to figure out how best to accomplish my dream.

Having said that, since I launched this blog about two weeks ago, my kids still have clean clothes every day, they still have three meals on the table every day, we still spend time together every day, whether it’s reading, coloring, painting, making puzzles, crafting holiday cards, sculpting with play dough, you name it. So, it’s not like I’ve been an absentee parent or anything.

Don’t misunderstand, I know that I’m blessed to be able to stay home with my kids and I wouldn’t change my decision for the world. But I want something more, too. I want more freedom. I want to flex my creative muscle. I want to connect with other adults. I want to feel like a professional again. I want to share my stories and possibly even inspire people. And maybe it sounds selfish, but I believe I’m entitled to all those things.

Now that I’m writing again, I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this happy or fulfilled. I’m doing something that I love again, something that has meaning, and the more I write, the more I want to write. I’ve been feeling like my old self again, and that is both powerful and exhilarating.

So then why do I feel such guilt when I sit in front of my computer to write? Why do I second-guess any personal, independent decision I make that doesn’t pertain to my kids? Don’t I deserve to be happy and do things for myself outside of child-rearing? Is there anything wrong with being a little selfish sometimes and chasing a dream?

Here’s the way I see it. We, as moms, owe it to our kids to be happy and satisfied and fulfilled. When my head is in a good, positive place, I am a much better mom. You might even say I’m a rockstar. My husband and I are our “village,” so when I get a break from the 24/7, 365-day monotony, I’m far more patient, more playful, more indulgent, more understanding, more everything. I sleep better, I have more energy, and I’m way less likely to lose my temper.

I know this sounds like I’m a self-centered parent who only cares about what she wants. In reality, though, I’m just a tired, guilt-ridden, mentally and physically drained momma who finally understands that being a little selfish and pursuing a dream doesn’t mean I love my kids any less.

I’ve spent every second over the past five years loving and cuddling and taking care of my kids’ every need. And I would do it all over again if given the chance. I adore my children. Sometimes I look at them and can’t believe how blessed and lucky I am to be their mommy. I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would be like without them. They are the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. They are my sun, my moon, and my stars. They always have been, and they always will be.

My writing isn’t going to change that, so I’m done with the mommy guilt.

At least until the next time.