I had a teeny, tiny moment of panic yesterday. (Coincidence since I didn’t write?!)
I felt this warm, tingling sensation wash over me in the middle of the afternoon. Then came the tightness in my chest and these paralyzing thoughts: What if I come down with coronavirus? What if I’m harboring symptoms right now and don’t even know it? What if I pass it onto my children? These questions have been plaguing me since my early morning visit to Wegmans on Thursday, and I’m sure they will be a nuisance for the next few days until I hit that 14-day symptoms window.
I realize my fears are irrational and that all “what ifs” are rooted in anxiety, but sometimes my mind runs away from me and I’m overcome with panic. I scrambled upstairs and sat in the corner of my bedroom to breathe and, of course, cry. (I swear, I cry so much you might as well call me Pa from Little House On The Prairie!) If you’re laughing at me right now, I don’t blame you. I’ve always been a bit of a hypochondriac, ever since I was a little girl. That fear never goes away, I guess. Most times I hide it well, but other times … not so much.
My husband found me in that corner a short while later. He wrapped me in his arms and soothed away my fears. He’s so good like that. (Even when I know he’s talking out of his a** he always manages to make me feel better.) And while I did feel better, I still carried that baggage on my shoulders for the next few hours. I just couldn’t shake it. But then after dinner we took the kids outside to play and I went for a short walk by myself. I breathed in the crisp, fresh air and let the silence envelop me. At first, I prayed. Then I gave myself a pep talk:
You’re a strong woman
You got this
You’ve been through harder times than these
You can do it
Stay positive
Keep writing
Find that silver lining
You’re a strong woman
You got this
I whispered it over and over again, putting it out into the universe. And I eventually started to believe it. I reminded myself about all the beneficial things I’ve been doing to stay sane and rational and positive and mentally healthy during these challenging times. Things like:
- Writing the “good” almost every single day
- Praying with my husband each night before bed
- Keeping a gratitude journal where I list everything for which I’m grateful before I even begin my day
- Setting up biweekly teleconferences with my family (and my in-laws) to keep the isolation and loneliness in check
- Reaching out to family and friends every day, even if it’s just through a text
- Finding a silver lining to every situation
- Avoiding social media and limiting my news access
- Baking, cooking, reading, listening to music, coloring with my kids, walking, sitting outside in the sun, and just engaging in any feel-good activity I can think of
I allowed myself a moment of weakness yesterday but that’s OK because without weakness we wouldn’t know strength. And I am strong. We all are. And we don’t know just how strong until we’re forced into a situation that requires us to prove it to ourselves. Like now. We’re all still figuring out how to live in this new normal, and while the challenges we face will likely get worse before they get better, I’m confident we can and will persevere. I refuse to think otherwise. It’s OK to feel sad and lonely and depressed and insane and mentally drained sometimes. Just don’t let it overcome you. The key is sticking together, staying in touch, and finding something—anything—to soothe our fears and anxieties so they don’t spiral out of control. Find your happy place, my friends, and don’t let go. Things will get better.
Today is a new day. I’m a strong woman. I got this. And so do all of you.
(If any of you are reading this, please share any tips or strategies or ideas you have for combating the darkness. Or maybe even just some words of encouragement. I’m sure we could all use them!)